Quickly…because I have to pack for the beach…

She named me Bethany.

Bethany.

 

Whoa. 

I need a little while to process this…

I have an announcement…

IT’S OFFICIALLY SUMMER IN VICTORIA LAND!!!!

I (finally) finished my last assignment - a writing portfolio of a few special things I’ve done this semester.  I dropped it off at my professor’s office tonight and slipped the envelope under his door.  Um, probably one of the creepiest and scariest experiences of my life.  I parked in the huge parking lot and it only had 3 cars and I went through two whole buildings and across campus…NOBODY was to be seen ANYWHERE.

Granted, it was 9:30 at night and the semester is pretty much over, but not even a janitor?  Seriously, that’s the perfect situation for a creepo…to like, attack me or something.  What would I do??  Nobody was there!

Well, I’m going to bed soon.  I have plans with my birthmom tomorrow.  We’re doing lunch and hanging out at the mall, and I am actually NOT POOR this week thanks to textbook buyback!  Yesssss - shopping spree! 

Tomorrow night, my college group is heading to the beach for the weekend.  So have a great weekend everyone!  I’ll have lots to update with on Monday! 

My little sister is an awesome soccer player!

I had an amazing visit with my birthdad yesterday.  Maybe one of the best thus far, in terms of comfort and one - on -one time.  (Usually, when we visit, it is with the girls or for a huge family event with tons of people). 

I got to his house around 10.  He did some yard work in the front and we talked about all kinds of things…parenting, society, first love.  He was pulling weeds but found some little purple flowers.  He gathered a bunch of them and handed them to me like a bouquet.  Sooo cute.

He made some amazing chicken noodle soup…I mean, totally homemade.  It was so good that I had two bowls!  He did random dancing and singing around the kitchen (and the house, as a matter of fact).  He is a really random goofball, but on occasion, I do the same types of things.  So I guess that’s where I got it from.  Lol.

My sister had a soccer game at 7 and I got to go and watch it!  I know this seems like such a small joy, but it was huge to me.  She is really starting to attach to me, partially because I am around more and partially because she is getting older.  When we picked her up, she saw me sitting in the car and came running across the lawn, shouting “Vicccctorrrrriaaaaaaa!”  I couldn’t help but smile.

I can proudly say in complete truth that she is one of the best soccer players on her team (or the other one).  She’s a fighter, just like me and her Daddy, who is coaching her team this season.  She’ll do just about anything to get that ball in the net.  I know this is only a team of 5 year olds, but if she keeps playing every year, she’s going to have some mad skill!

     

Every time she took a break from the game and a sub replaced her, she came and plopped herself on my lap.  And I got to hold her and hug her and tell her I was proud and that she was doing a great job.  And I got to shout her name every time she would take the ball up the field and close to the goal.  

I love that girl.  I love that she let me be close to her, that she leaned on me and cuddled herself on me.  I love that she was happy to see me and that on a few occasions, I made her laugh.  We’re starting to have our own “thing.”  Soon, she’ll be six and it can only grow stronger.

(Sidenote:  I asked her what she wants for her birthday and she said anything Bratz, Hannah Montana or Barbie).  Um yeah, we have a major girlie girl on our hands.  I can’t wait to spoil her, and with my new job, I’ll be able to!   

After the game, we took her home and I got to see my other baby sister and their Mom.  She is someone I haven’t spoken about yet on the blog, but I can quickly say that since my reunion (or rather, first visit everyone - i say that since I never felt completely out of their lives, even as a kid, so reunion to me is a funny word.), she has been really awesome about making sure I’m included in plans, parties, get togethers.  She told me from the beginning that she always wanted me in to be in the girls lives and that she didn’t think any of us should miss out on that opportunity.  She’s held to that and it means a lot to me.

Overall, a really nice day and a really awesome visit.  I’m blessed.

Happy Mom’s Day

Well, I just figured out how to put photos in my blog!  So I’m warning you ahead of time…don’t be surprised if I get overly photo happy in the future!

Happy Mother’s Day to ALL the Mom’s out there!  And lots of love.

I’m going to brag on my TWO awesome Mom’s before the day is over.  So here we go…

  This photo is a little bit old…from last June.  But I love it, somehow.  Today was weird for me in a good way.  It was one of the first holidays in awhile during which I didn’t feel overwhelming pain.  I was able to put together an extremely sincere card for my Mom.  We all had a nice dinner (minus my little sister slicing her finger by accident!).  Mom loved our gifts.  We didn’t really fight with each other (I’m talking siblings here) and our arguing didn’t mess up her special day, as we usually manage to do.  All went well.  It was fun.  It was relaxing.  It was beautiful.  She is beautiful.

I couldn’t possibly go into enough detail in one post to portray how truly awesome my Mom is.  She raised me in a strong Christian home and in an environment one might call “overprotective.”  But now that I’m older, I’m able to see that the decisions she made on my behalf made me who I am.  I didn’t watch normal kids show.  I watched videos filled with bible stories and morality.  We didn’t celebrate Halloween.  We celebrated Harvest.  (This changed somewhat as I got into elementary school).  She whipped out big bucks for me to attend Christian school, even though I ended up in public school later on.  She had a daycare in our home, so she was able to teach me educational and faith concepts at an early age.  I was able to have “friends over” every day and have my Mom there too.  And yet, she was still making money to support us, while doing it.  It was win win.   

She is so selfless.  She has put out tons of money for me to go on various trips for sports, camps, other competitions, conferences…the list goes on.  And it’s not about money, but it proves her heart.  She gives and gives. 

I scrapbooked today so I sort of went down memory lane.  And I just had this huge peace in me as I re-experienced my childhood…and her love.  She’s always been there.  I am not blaming myself, because I’m in the process of healing, but it is my own struggles that have kept me from accepting her love.  I trust after today that we will get there.  For now, I’m just really okay with things.

    And this?  This is my other beautiful Mom, who, at 17, sought something better for me than she could provide at the time.  Whether she realizes it or not, she stepped out in faith hoping more than anything that good would come out of her decisions.  She didn’t get to choose my parents.  She never met them.  She had no idea who I would be going to or where I would be living.  And I really view that chance she took as a miracle.  Not because things did turn out in a good way, but simply because she did it.

Don’t get me wrong.  I miss her today.  I have fought the urge a million times to call her today, even though we just talked last night.  I know she is busy with her own family and their plans for the holiday.  I know she wasn’t even home for most of the day, so I wouldn’t have reached her anyway.  I know my little sisters and her husband were planning to make her breakfast in bed.  I’m sure they made her cards from little hands with purple crayon.  I hope they love her like I do, they love her as much as she needs them to, since I can’t be there.  But I’m with her in our hearts.  And I think she knows that.  In fact, I know she knows that.

I think I’ll sleep well tonight.

You’ll be in my heart.

I’m proud of you Hallmark.  This year, you actually didn’t miserably fail my unique family.

I found an almost perfect card (as good as they get, I guess) for my birthmother.

On the front, it says “For all the ways your love has touched my heart and my life….(and on the inside), “Happy Mother’s Day.”  Voila, it doesn’t say “MOM” written everywhere, but there is still truth in it.  But that’s not all.  It also lets me record 10 seconds of saying something.  And I recorded this.  “Mmmk, Yeah I’m definitely a dork for getting you a talking card!  But basically, I just wanted to say that I love you and that means forever.”  And then?  It plays a clip of “You’ll be in my heart” from Tarzan.  Ironically, a movie about adoption.  And that song has always reminded me of my birthmother.  From the first time I heard it, it did.

And I also got her a funny card too.  It reads, “You’re not just my mother anymore.  You’re my friend too.  You’re a mother/friend.”  And on the the inside, it says “So really you’re a “frother.”  Happy Mother’s Day.  Frother.”  Haha, she’s a frother!  I mean, it’s not that funny, but I tried.  And again, there’s truth to it.  We have that “in-between” relationship which is truly awesome.  I’m a lucky girl to get some mothering and some friendship from her. 

I was going to send her flowers, too.  But I just don’t have the money right now.  In fact, two girls in beforeschool today asked me if I would sponsor an injured rabbit for $25 dollars.  And I admit, I probably looked like a heartless and mean individual, but I said No.  Though I did tell them I was proud of them for trying to do something good.  And I am.  But with the money I do have, I choose to give to ministries that help people.  People are more important than rabbits.  I’m sorry.  I know that sounds awful, but it’s true.

There is more to write, but I’m still trying to rid myself of this semester.  So it’s back to the books for awhile…

Come stop your crying~It will be alright~Just take my hand~Hold it tight~I will protect you from all around you~I will be here~Don’t you cry~For one so small, you seem so strong~My arms will hold you, keep you safe and warm~This bond between us can’t be broken~I will be here~Don’t you cry~Cause you’ll be in my heart~Yes, you’ll be in my heart~From this day on~Now and forever more~You’ll be in my heart~No matter what they say~You’ll be in my heart always~Why can’t they understand the way we feel~They just don’t trust what they can’t explain~I know we’re different~But deep inside us, we’re not that different at all~And you’ll be in my heart~Yes, you’ll be in my heart~From this day on~Now and forevermore~Don’t listen to them~Cause what do they know~We need each other, to have, to hold~They’ll see in time~I know~When destiny calls you, you must be strong~I may not be with you, but you’ve got to hold on~They’ll see in time~I know~We’ll show them together. <3

I’m procrastinating.

I’m smack dab in the middle of writing a term paper, but somehow wordpress seems much more inviting.

Well, I never really elaborated on these “opportunities” coming my way…

In late March, I applied for a youth ministy internship in Maui, Hawaii.  I would live out there for a year, working 50 hours per week in the church implementing and developing ministy curriculum, hanging out with the kids and building relationships with them, being mentored and taught about various aspects of youth ministry…the list goes on.  My parents are all for it.  I’m excited.  I practically pee’d my pants when I found out something like that existed.  They provide housing, transportation and a monthly stipend for food and other living expenses.  (I always feel like I want to go out for different experiences, but they all cost money, which as a college kid, I don’t have right now!)  I still haven’t heard anything, but I do know the position is still open.  And so, I wait.

Community college next semester?  That’s another option.  I have 4, maybe 5 classes to finish in order to get my Associate’s.  (I say maybe because I am in the process of disputing a grade.)  Some of those courses aren’t needed by the four year school I plan to transfer to.  So I figure why take them if I won’t even enjoy them?  (I’m not really up to taking another literature course, while also trying to juggle math and bio at the same time.)  And honestly?  I’m tired of this place.  So, so tired of it.  I’m tired of living at home.  I’m tired of the “same old, same old.”  I feel young and free.  I want to experience the world.  I want to move on in life.  I can’t take the normalcy much longer.

The four year school.  Awesome, but expensive.  I mean, I know I have to deal with looming college costs at some point.  I’ve managed to get through two years without paying much of anything, but I don’t know how much financial aid and scholarships I’ll be able to get in the future.  Moving away means adding ginormous bills for housing and food.  Plus, spending money for fun things I’ll want to do while I’m down there.  And I have to line up a job for myself before I go down so I’ll have a steady income. 

Other youth ministy internships that last for a year are available.  But the thing is, there’s tons!  Camden.  New York.  Alaska.  Tennessee.  It’s endless.  I don’t know where to start.  And I’m not sure if maybe I should get another year of schooling under my belt before I decide to take a year off for something like this, just so I’d have some formal ministry training in the classroom and another year to grow my relationship with the Lord.

Decisions, Decisions.  And big ones.  Thankfully, I am almost done with the semester and I’ll have some time to think about my options.  I’ve been in prayer about this stuff for awhile and I continue to be.  But I’m just not hearing from God on what he wants me to do.  Maybe he’s speaking and I’m not hearing, or maybe He’s being silent.  It’s hard to wait when so many things are unknown.

As a sidenote, I was forced to look for a summer job, since I currently work in the before and aftercare in two local elementary schools.  When the kids school year ends, so does my job until September.  So, I just found out yesterday I’ve been hired full time for the summer doing data entry.  It’s not the most glamorous, but the pay is good and hours are consistent.  And I really like the company and what they do.  I have a few friends who work there too, so it could even be fun!  I start May 19th.  Yay!

Alright…back to this paper on the declining population of Russia.  5 - 7 pages of it.  Joy.

 

My Special Version of “Your Mom goes to College.” Well, maybe…

This is going to be short and quick:

So, in the process of realizing I’m most likely going to Virginia in the Fall, the “being far away” issue is ever present.  Especially in regards to my birthfamily, simply because of the fear of losing them again.  We are currently 45 minutes to an hour apart.  And it’s a blessing.  5 hours is another story.  And since I am leasing my car, there is a mileage limit, not to mention gas prices are out the wazoo.  Going home frequently just isn’t an option.

But I’ve had a fantasy of having my birthmom come down to college and spend a few days with me.  I’d be way too scared to ever approach the topic, because it is a lot to ask, and she is a busy Mommy.  Though, I know we would have the best time together if it ever worked out.

She called me this morning and I quickly mentioned that I would probably be going down in the fall, rather than in the spring, assuming other things don’t work out.  (I’ve applied for an internship in Hawaii, but have not blogged about it.  I really have so much to write about different opportunities that have come my way!)  And she said, “Well, that’s good, because Virginia, I can do.  Hawaii, I would never be able to go out to.”  I don’t remember word for word.  But something like that.

So there was my opportunity to say something.  So, I said I am planning on getting a 4 bedroom apartment with roomates and if she ever wanted to take me up on it, she is more than welcome to come down and stay.  At least, now she knows I’d be all for it.

We could have “us” time.  We could stay up late and have girly sleepovers.  We could talk about boys and make popcorn.  She could come to my classes with me and I could (try to) make her do my homework.  (Kidding!!)  We could go to the beach.  She could meet my friends.  We could do all kinds of crazy things we never got to do in the past.  I would seriously have the time of my life.

I know this is possibly even a year into the future.  But at least, the idea’s out there.  It’s nice to know that even though some things are gone and time is gone, there is still a whole future that she and I have to look forward to.  I’m happy.  I can’t wait.   

Hopefully Peacing Out of This Place

Something exciting has come to my attention!

I think I’m transferring out of community college a semester earlier than planned!  The Christian school I plan to transfer to only requires a few certain courses I have yet to take (math and biology) and a bunch of religion classes in order to get my Associate’s from them.  If I stay at community college, I will have to take classes I don’t need and I will still have to take the “general ed” religion classes at a later date. 

So why postpone?

I still have to take the ACT’s, which I plan to do in mid June, though I still have to register for them.  After that, I can apply to the school and hopefully get the ball rolling with housing plans, roomies, packing and moving! 

I’m not really sure if this is what God has for me next year.  I’m starting to think it is.  I haven’t even applied to the school yet, but I see no reason why I wouldn’t be accepted, especially since my grades this semester have been better than in the past.  I’m finally doing things right.  A little effort goes a long way.

The idea of finally diving into Christian classes and living in a completely new atmosphere with roomates is just wonderful to me.  I stayed home after high school and did community college for two years in order to save money.  But I think it’s time to move on.

I’m dreading the paperwork, money issues and crazyness to come, but I’m absolutely thrilled to start a new chapter, get out on my own, five hours away from everything familiar and live my life.  I can’t even fathom what God has planned for me once I get there. 

Plans are in progress.  It’s time to move on and do great things, even if they are small, great things.  I believe God is going to use me in ways I’m not even aware of, and I’m open to that.  Even embracing it. 

Ever feel like you’re stuck in a wave of abundant blessings and something incredible?  And it’s as though it’s all going to crash on you at any moment.  You’re just waiting for it to happen.

Well, that’s me now.  I can feel it.  Something awesome is going to happen.  And God can see the whole picture from the end, and I trust wholeheartedly in his perfect plans.  I’m ready to go.

Normal Sibling Rivalry in a Completely Un-Normal Family

I spent two and a half hours on the phone last night with my birthdad.  It was so wonderful.  I sometimes feel like, since reconnecting with my birthmom, my relationship with him has been put on the back burner.  I’m desperately trying to make sure that doesn’t happen.

I can’t explain how cool he is.  He’s a really interesting person.  One of a kind, I guess I would say.  He has an extremely emotional side (which is where I get it from!).  He’s goofy.  He’s crazy in terms of being fearless and not being afraid to take risks.  Really, he just loves life, takes it all in.  He’s deep.

When I was in high school, we would often have discussions about important things.  It’s not that he didn’t care about small talk, or my day to day life at school, but I feel like we both have this “other” side to us that we share.  And it makes our hearts close and our relationship intense.

We haven’t had a serious discussion in awhile.  And last night, we did.

We talked about politics, religion, philosophy, life, education, people and the way they think…I mean, the list goes on.  We packed a lot into two and a half hours.  It took me about two years to REALLY feel comfortable with him.  I used to sit in my room on the phone with him and we would have these serious discussions and I would just listen.  I can tell I’m growing up.  I actually said some pretty intelligent things last night.  I actually have a sense of being who I am.  There are a lot of things we tend to agree on.  In some things, we differ, but we accept that. 

I think it’s awesome to have someone you can open up to like that.

He spent the day with my sister yesterday and she slept over, but was sleeping during our conversation.  Usually, he has both girls over, but this time, it was just the older one.  I hear she is doing really well in soccer and scored the first goal of the game.  (Her dad is coaching!)  She’s getting artsy.  She’s reading chapter books.  (She’s 5!)  As a sidenote, the girl is incredibly smart.  Always has been.  She loves school and pushes herself very hard to know things.  I’m waiting for her to get bored with school.  She’s just too smart.

I’m bursting with pride over her talents.  I’m excited to see where she’ll go in life.  She is good at so many things, and so interested in trying new ones.  He wants to give her the world so she can develop herself in as many ways as she wants to.  I think this is great.  I’m so proud.

But at nineteen, I still feel like I have to keep up.  Yes, with a five year old.  Isn’t that disgusting??  I know he is proud of me and interested in me.  Clearly, because he spent almost three hours with me on the phone.  Ya know what bothers me the most?  All that time has past.  She’s 5 and I was 5 a long time ago.  Some things I was better at than she is, and some things she is better at than I was.  And I should be mature and say that’s okay.  But it’s not.  And I can’t go back and try to fix the things I did wrong or try to do things better.

It’s always a competition.  Always.  And it’s not that I don’t love her.  I love her to death.  And it’s not that I don’t want to see her succeed, because I do.  Strangely enough, in complete honesty, I guess I feel like my place in our Daddy’s heart is threatened.  And she makes it worse.

Maybe this goes on in normal families.  I mean, I know it does.  There is sibling rivalry.  There are parents who have favorites (as sad as that is, and not that he does, but I feel that way sometimes).  It’s nothing new.  It’s just exacerbated by the fact that I have real, true grounds to feel 2nd best.   

He chose not to be my Daddy.  He willfully chose that for us.

Here I go again, though, seemingly undermining the good.  Believe me, I LOVED the talk I had with him last night.  I am such a blessed girl.  He adds so many awesome things to my world.

But on occasion, it just hits me right in the heart.  I really need to stop giving a 5 year old so much control over me.  I need to just be happy, be proud, be the bigger person, be the big sister, because I am.

Why is that so hard sometimes? 

Just Ice It!

I think my arms might just fall off, right about…now.

Mmm, Ice Hockey!  I’ve missed it. 

Wait, wait, wait.  Back up you say?  Ice hockey and the arms?

Yeah.  You heard right.

I’ve been getting new visitors on my blog and making some new friends, so I think it might be time to spill a little secret.  Well, it’s not that big of a secret.  But if you don’t know me in the real world, you definitely wouldn’t know it unless I told you. 

I have Cerebral Palsy.  It’s mild.  No worries.

It affects my legs and walking.  Just a little.  I walk with a limp and sometimes I have slight balance issues.  So don’t ram into me or push or shove…I will be on the floor in no time.  ;-)  (It’s pretty funny when that happens!)

I hate the phrase, “I can’t.”  Well, yeah ya can!  Duhhh!  Life is interesting with CP.  Always funny.  Usually wacky.  But not all that bad when it really comes down to it.  There is nothing I can’t do.  It’s all about finding different ways to do things.

I wanted to try something completely out of my comfort zone.  I grew up a swimmer, swam in disability meets up to the national level, and even came somewhat close to qualifying for the Athens Paralympics in 04.  But school got busy…and not to get back to that topic…but the issues between my Birthmom and my Mom at the time were at their worst.  It just didn’t happen.  I was too emotionally and physically drained to continue.  I sort of regret it now.  I swam in high school and kept up pretty well with the others.  I definitely wasn’t the star of the team, but I worked hard.  To keep up, I would have to sprint all the sets.  It was a lot for me. 

College started.  I fell into devoting my time to church stuff and homework, plus a couple part time jobs.  And I kinda…let myself go.  As someone with a disability, this is a big “no no,” just because my body already has a lot going against it.  I really have to do my best to keep myself together as long as I can. 

So I took up ice hockey.  But not the ice hockey you’re thinking of.  Sled hockey.  We play on sleds, but not like sleds for the snow.  These sleds have a seat with a back and blades underneath the sled.  We wear all the regular gear…helmet, shoulder pads, elbow pads, gloves, shin pads.  Our two sticks are shortened, with picks on the end that dig into the ice.  We use the sticks to propel ourselves and to shoot the puck.  It is one of the most physically demanding things I have ever done.  It is not easy and honestly, really insane.  There is checking.  Tons of it.  We play by the same rules USA Hockey puts out.  We are rough, fearless and hardcore.

And I play with the boys. 

Tonight at the rink, the girl at the front desk said she would give me my own locker room because the one they had reserved for sled hockey had all boys.  And I had to tell her it was totally okay.  I am used to this by now.  I am the only girl.

But you know what’s fun?  Messing up the guys and listening to them make fun of each other when their perfect shot gets destroyed by a girl.  Now, I’m really not all that good at this point.  I just started playing in January.  I’ve picked it up pretty well, but my main problem is speed.  I’m just not strong enough yet to keep up with how fast they can get.  So what’s second best if you can’t always get to the puck first?

Run your sled right into them.  MWAHAHAHA.  

I play with a wide range of kids.  Most are only slightly younger than me…like in high school.  Some are my age.  Some are really young.  I don’t really care.  I just think it’s fun and a great source of exersize!

And the conversation that goes on at these events…games, practices, in the locker rooms, is honestly hysterical.  It’s like we have our own “disability culture” or something.  Believe me, I’m pretty secure in myself, but sometimes you just have to learn to laugh at yourself.  I do, anyway. 

Like tonight, we played a game and it wasn’t a formal thing so we all had different jerseys on.  So I asked this guy Mike who exactly was on our team.  He said “Dan” and I said “Who’s that?” 

“The kid with no legs.”  That was his answer!  I just had to giggle.

We got team jackets and pants today and new bags on wheels!  (This is awesome since I usually drive to practices and games on my own.  Carrying my sled and bag is a project without being able to wheel it.  Now I can!)       

There’s open hockey again on Sunday morning which I plan to go to before church. 

For now, I am going to attempt to desmellify my brand new hockey bag.  Shower because I reak of the hockey rink.  And sleep because my arms are killing me.

Life is so good.